The Month I Realized I Wasn’t Tired — I Was Overstimulated

Deep Night

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I remember driving one day and someone cut in front of me and drove really slow, this is not a significant event given that I live in Memphis 🙄. Anyway, I got so mad and I was fussing and getting so upset. My heart is racing, my jaws are clenched, my shoulders are tense and my head started hurting. Then I stopped and thought about how many times that happens, where I let myself get upset. I mean, EVERYTHING seems to upset me now and to tell you truth, I get on my own nerves.

I went through so many emotions reflecting on the many things big and small (often small) that make me upset and how many times it happens in a day. I was ashamed more than anything being that I'm a Gen X kid raised by a Boomer mom who's solution is "get over it, what can you do about it now?" Which is solid advice most of the time, but sometimes you have to unpack and try to understand why things are bothering you because often times there is an underlying issue that can get out of hand if not addressed. With hormonal changes during menopause, understanding how to live with it instead of pushing things backward helps the events become few and far between.

When I did a little research, I found that the decline in estrogen affects your ability to regulate yourself, cognitive function, and sleep to name a few. It made so much sense to me and I eventually learned to give myself grace while naviagting this leg of my journey. To be frank, I felt inadequate and not worthy of being my mother's daughter. Then I was sad because thinking back on what she dealt with during this season, I hate she had to be that strong on the surface. I wonder if she ever took the time out to just...scream. *note to self: ask mom how she relieved pressure.

So when I realized nothing was "wrong" with me, I started looking for things to do to support myself. I wanna unpack the first part of the previous sentence. There is nothing wrong with women when they go through menopause, this is what our bodies are supposed to do, it just varies from person to person. This is a very normal part of life, so technically, there is something right with what we're going through. It feels wrong, whew😮‍💨...but we're not the first and won't be the last. So I pulled way back on coffee and caffeine, I stopped sugar at the end of January this year, and I'm currently trying to figure out how to have a healthier relationship with social media. I have a problem with drifting off to sleep, not because I'm not tired, but because my body is communicating to me it needs a new rhythm. No scrolling after dinner, no working or any other activity in my bedroom. Our nervous systems need more calm, not stimulation.

Now my ritual before bed is a cup of warm tea. My mom taught me that God gave us everything we need to heal ourselves. Instead of fighting 3AM, I focused on what happened before midnight. I dimmed the lights earlier. I brewed Deep Night slowly. I sat down while it steeped instead of multitasking. The ritual mattered more than the ingredients. It became less about sleep and more about safety, my body's safety.

I decided I wouldn't make myself pay for something I didn't know. It's important to be nicer to myself and love rather than criticize.